


When I was half of a pair

by CallMeSonOneMoreTime



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Missing Scene, Panic Attacks, Song: Michael in the Bathroom (Be More Chill), Suicidal Thoughts, not really but it could have been there, song-fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:53:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26581708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallMeSonOneMoreTime/pseuds/CallMeSonOneMoreTime
Summary: After the confronation Harry has with Ron in fourth year, Harry hides in a bathroom and thinks about their friendship. Song-fic Michael in the bathroom (Be more chill)
Relationships: Harry Potter & Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter, Hermione Granger & Harry Potter & Ron Weasley
Comments: 3
Kudos: 26





	When I was half of a pair

**Author's Note:**

> TW: suicidal thoughts, panic attack, implied mentions of child abuse  
> AN: So I listened to Be more chill like a week ago and this fic has been on my mind for two days, so I did it (:D). English is not my first language and the only person who looked it over for grammar errors was me (and Libre office) so I appreciate any mistakes or anything you may notice. (I especially suck at commas). I also appreciate any constructive criticism you may have, but please be constructive, so no: “This sucks”. Also I know that Hermione believed Harry, I first planned to have it focus on Ron with the fact that he has Hermione, but they aren’t as close, but then I realized that Harry didn’t talk to Hermione until the next day and so in this he thinks that she also won’t believe him. Also Harry might be a bit OOC, I tried to keep him in character, but simply due to the song, he has to be a little out of character. Anyway tell me what you think

# When I was half of a pair

_I am hanging in the bathroom at the biggest party of the fall._

It was Halloween, all of the Gryffindors were celebrating, one of them was competing in the Triwizard tournament! A huge party was raging on in their common room. However Harry Potter, the man they were celebrating, was absent. He wasn’t at the party, he wasn’t even with his friends, no Harry was hiding in the girls’ bathroom on the second floor, trying to get away from it all.

_I could stay right here or disappear, and nobody’d even notice at all._

Despite the fact that Harry was the whole reason for the party, nobody noticed his absence. Nobody really cared. They were all singing, dancing, drinking and having a good time and Harry sat on the bathroom floor, alone.

_I'm a creeper in a bathroom 'cause my buddy kinda left me alone._

His friends also weren’t partying. Hermione laid in her dorm room, finally asleep after a long time of tossing and turning, worrying about her friends. Ron was also in his dorm room, silently staring at the ceiling, overflowing with anger, jealousy and worry all directed towards his friend. Ron and the confrontation, he just had with Harry, was the reason why Harry was hiding in an abandoned bathroom in the middle of the night. 

_But I’d rather fake pee than stand awkwardly, or pretend to check a text on my phone._

Harry couldn’t handle it, he couldn’t handle just going to bed, shutting the curtains and pretending that he was asleep, pretending that he was okay, holding back tears. So he ran.

_Everything felt fine when I was half of a pair_

Ever since the beginning of first year, things had been difficult. When the school was accusing him of being the one opening the chamber and petrifying students, when he faced Voldemort, time after time, when he thought his godfather had betrayed his parents and was now after him. It was always hard, but it was always manageable, because he had Ron and Hermione with him. Always.

_Now through no fault of mine, there’s no other half there_

Except now. He didn’t know what he did wrong, what was so different from the time in their second year? Then Ron stood by him, believed him. What was so different now? What did he do wrong? He tried to focus on Hermione, maybe at least she believed him. But why would she, when even Ron left. The person that stood on a broken leg for Harry, has left him. Why would anyone else stay? No, he was alone and he didn’t know how to fix it, because he didn’t know what he did to cause it in the first place.

_Now I'm just Michael in the bathroom, Michael in the bathroom at a party. Forget how long it's been. I'm just Michael in the bathroom, Michael in the bathroom at a party. No you can’t come in! I'm waiting it out 'til it's time to leave. And picking at grout as I softly grieve. I'm just Michael who you don't know, Michael flyin' solo, Michael in the bathroom by himself. All by himself._

Now he was just hiding in a bathroom. Alone. He had lost track of time. Was it a minute since he talked to Ron, an hour, a day? Who knew. He was just hiding, locked in the bathroom, waiting for God knows what. For the party to end, for everyone to fall asleep, for the next day? He was just waiting for as long as he needed. He needed time, time to grieve the loss of his first and only friends. Because now he was alone, again after four years of a very close friendship.

_I am hiding, but he's out there, just ignoring all our history_

His mind wondered back to their first meeting, back on the train. He and Ron became friends almost instantly, they just clicked. Hermione joined them on Halloween after their first adventure – a fight against a troll. Since then they have been through so much. They have fought and investigated and studied, and always side by side. And Ron not believing him, it felt like a dagger being thrust into his chest. A betrayal after all the years of ultimate unquestionable trust between them.

_Memories get erased, and I'll get replaced, with a newer, cooler version of me_

He wondered if Ron and Hermione would now find new friends, better ones. Will they now hangout with Seamus, Dean, Neville? Will they go on adventures, fight evil and stand up for what is right with them? And Harry will be left in the background, watching them, but not being with them. It hurt.

_And I hear a drunk girl sing along to Whitney through the door, "I wanna dance with somebody". And my feelings sink, 'cause it makes me think: now there's no one to make fun of drunk girls with anymore!_

He could still hear the noise from the party that was happening five floors above. And it hurt, because he could imagine Hermione’s disapproving face as she would go on and on about how it was all forbidden and they should tell a teacher and he could imagine Ron’s eye roll. And Harry would roll his eyes back, but he would be smiling and Ron would be too and in the end they would all find a quiet place and ignore everyone else. And God did it hurt. Because they weren’t there anymore, because Harry didn’t have anyone to roll his eyes or smile at. And it hurt.

_Now it's just Michael in the bathroom, Michael in the bathroom at a party. I half regret the beers. Michael in the bathroom, Michael in the bathroom at a party. As I choke back the tears. I'll wait as long as I need, until my face is dry. Or I'll just blame it on weed, or something in my eye! I'm just Michael who you don't know, Michael flyin' solo, Michael in the bathroom by himself!_

Despite all his efforts, tears started escaping from his eyes and soon his whole body was shaking. He was quiet, like always, he never could afford to let anyone hear him cry. That however did not make his grief any lesser. He was letting out the pain of losing the ones you love above anything else.  
Harry was trying to wipe the tears away, but it was useless as they just kept coming. He couldn’t get rid of them and so he would just have to hide here, until the evidence of his grief will dry, or he’ll just have to blame it on a spell gone wrong or something in his eye. For now he did not have the mental capacity to worry about it. It was all too much. He was alone and now without a soul that really knew him. 

_Knock, knock, knock, knock. They're gonna start to shout soon._

He heard someone moving towards the door and then trying to open it. He felt his breathing speeding up. Someone was trying to get in! Why were they trying to get in? He could not just let whoever it is in, but if he won’t, they’ll start making noise and attract a teacher.

_Knock, knock, knock, knock! Oh hell yeah, I'll be out soon!_

Whoever it was, was now knocking on the door. He knew it wasn’t reasonable to lock the whole bathroom. He should do something, he needed to do something. He used a very weak locking spell, they could probably open the door very easily, he needed to do something and fast. “I’ll be out soon!” he shouted, hoping that they would leave.

_Knock, knock, knock, knock! It sucks he left me here alone._

The knocking persisted and was now more aggressive then ever. He needed Ron and Hermione with him. He needed help, what was he supposed to do? His breaths were shallow and short. He needed Ron and Hermione!

_Knock, knock, knock, knock! Here in this teenage battle zone-_

The knocking was getting louder. Was it someone from the party that will ask a million questions? Was it a Slytherin like Malfoy who will make fun of him for months? Was it a teacher that will give him detention and also ask many questions or Snape who will give him a detention and then make fun of him for months? Who was it? Why were they so persistent? He needed-

_Clang, clang, clang, clang! I feel the pressure blowing up._

The door was now shaking from the pressure. Why were they so insistent on going to this bathroom? He felt the whole bathroom beginning to shake as his magic was starting to act up from all the stress. He needed to control it-

_Bang, bang, bang, bang! My big mistake was showing up!_

The pounding on the door was getting louder and louder. His magic was starting swirling and his whole body was shaking. He should have just gone to bed and pretended that he was asleep. Why did he lock himself in a bathroom in the first place?!

_Splash, splash, splash, splash! I throw some water in my face and I am in a better place._

He couldn’t afford to let his magic act up again. He needed to calm down. He splashed some water in his face and felt a bit calmer, his shaking was stopping and his breathing was slowing down again. The bathroom wasn’t shaking anymore. 

_I go to open up the door, but I can't hear knocking anymore._

He cast Alohomora on the door, but no one came in. No one was knocking on the door either. Was there ever anyone? A thought crossed his mind: Why would anyone want to go to Myrtle’s bathroom in the first place? Was it all in his head then?

_And I can't help but yearn for a different time._

The only one who ever went here were Harry, Ron and Hermione. He wished they were here. He longed for the time when the thought of not having them by his side was as absurd as Snape giving out candy. He chuckled weakly at the memory of him thinking that Hermione lying was as absurd as that. 

_And then I look in the mirror and the present is clearer and there's no denying, I'm just-_

And then he dissolved into tears again, because Hermione was gone and Ron was gone and he was alone. This time, loud sobs wrecked his body, he didn’t have the strength to hold it in any longer. It didn’t matter anyway. Nothing mattered. They were gone.

_At a party. Is there a sadder sight than- Mmmmmmmmmmm. Michael in the bathroom at a party. This is a heinous night_

It was awful, Harry missed them and he couldn’t even find the words to describe how much it hurt, a huge part of him was missing and he didn’t know how to cope.

_I wish I stayed at home in bed watching cable porn._

For the first time in his life, he wished he was back at the Dursleys. They hated him, he hated being there and yet it would have been better than being stuck here without his friends.

_Or wish I offed myself instead!_

Or maybe he should have totally disappeared from this world. It wasn’t the first time, that thought crossed Harry’s mind. When he was little, he often thought of how no one would miss him if he disappeared.  
But since meeting Ron and Hermione that was unimaginable, he still ran head first into danger, but that was because he was doing the right thing. But he wouldn’t ever leave them for no reason.  
But now? They were gone, they didn’t care, it would have been better.

_Wish I was never born!_

Or even better, he shouldn’t have been born at all! That way his parents could still be alive and Sirius wouldn’t have spent twelve years in the worst prison on Earth. But he couldn’t do anything about that. That was unchangeable.

_I'm just Michael who's a loner so he must be a stoner. Rides a PT Cruiser, God he's such a loser. Michael flyin' solo, who you think that you know! Michael in the bathroom by himself! All by himself! All by himself! And all you know about me is my name._

He was just Harry. Always had been. Everyone saw what they wanted, he had the Potter hair so he was just like his father, he was in Gryffindor so he must be brave, he was the boy-who-lived so he must be a hero. Everyone already knew what they wanted him to be like. Except for- He was alone and nobody truly knew him.

_Awesome party, I'm so glad I came!_

Harry Potter was in Hogwarts – the most amazing place on Earth.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not really happy with the ending, but what can I do


End file.
